English Junk, but it's funny

So we did this daily and I decided to post the funny analogies. Apparently we're studying analogies, but, like, whatever. My favorite ones are all of them. :D

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

• McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.